Maddy Schmidt – Medium

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Maddy Schmidt
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The Belladonna Comedy

It’s Me, Jolene, And I Don’t Want Your Mediocre Boyfriend

He talks about me in his sleep? Girl, I don’t even know him like that.

2 min readJan 14, 2021

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It’s Me, Jolene, And I Don’t Want Your Mediocre Boyfriend

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Maddy Schmidt

If You Give A Mouse Self-Awareness

By Maddy Schmidt, Illustrated by Kyle Patterson

3 min readApr 9, 2021

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If You Give A Mouse Self-Awareness

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Maddy Schmidt
in
The Belladonna Comedy

Top 10 Sex Dreams I’ve Had About The Cargo Ship Stuck In The Suez Canal

We go at it for the next 48–72 hours. This is the longest any of my partners have ever lasted.

3 min readMar 29, 2021

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Photo: Maxar Technologies, photoshopped by author

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Maddy Schmidt
in
The Belladonna Comedy

I’m The Chef Who Put The Shrimp Tails In The Cinnamon Toast Crunch, And You Just Don’t Get My…

I’m disappointed at your lack of culinary imagination.

3 min readMar 24, 2021

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I’m The Chef Who Put The Shrimp Tails In The Cinnamon Toast Crunch, And You Just Don’t Get My…

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Maddy Schmidt

5 Songs On His Spotify Playlist To Read Too Much Into

Tune in next week for instructions on how to book a therapy appointment.

2 min readMar 23, 2021

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5 Songs On His Spotify Playlist To Read Too Much Into

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Maddy Schmidt

Glowing Hotel Reviews, From Bedbugs

Trump Tower was a home away from home! My bed was so comfortable that I actually gave birth to my 500 children right under the covers.

2 min readMar 16, 2021

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Glowing Hotel Reviews, From Bedbugs

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Maddy Schmidt

Why I Denounceth The Crusades Now Even Though I Took Part In Them With Gusto For The Past 200 Years

Upon reflection, it occurreth to me now that perhaps burning entire villages is not what Christ wouldst have wanted.

2 min readJan 16, 2021

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Why I Denounceth The Crusades Now Even Though I Took Part In Them With Gusto For The Past 200 Years

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Maddy Schmidt

Easier Games to Play on Drugs After Watching “The Queen’s Gambit”

Chess may be cool now, but it’s still super hard. Here’s a handy list of easier games you can play while you’re high out of your mind.

3 min readJan 13, 2021

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Easier Games to Play on Drugs After Watching “The Queen’s Gambit”

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Maddy Schmidt

New Year’s Resolutions From 2020 That Aged So Poorly

A list of my resolutions from New Year’s 2020 that could not have aged more poorly.

1 min readDec 31, 2020

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New Year’s Resolutions From 2020 That Aged So Poorly

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Maddy Schmidt

Instagram Introduces ‘Instagram Wrapped’; Top 5 People You Stalked This Year

3. THE GIRL YOU THINK YOUR EX MIGHT BE TALKING TO EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROOF

2 min readDec 2, 2020

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Instagram Introduces ‘Instagram Wrapped’; Top 5 People You Stalked This Year

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Maddy Schmidt

Maddy Schmidt

Maddy Schmidt is a comedy writer from tropical New Jersey. She has been blocked on Twitter by Drake Bell. You can block her too! @piece_ofschmidt

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