By Maddy Schmidt, Illustrated by Kyle Patterson

Gather ‘round, kids! You may have heard the version of this story that teaches the dangers of a slippery slope, but this lesser-known version will prepare you for the real world of social competence and existential dread.

If you give a mouse a…

We go at it for the next 48–72 hours. This is the longest any of my partners have ever lasted.

Photo: Maxar Technologies, photoshopped by author
  1. Stranded

I’m in the middle of the Mediterranean with the sexiest cargo ship I’ve ever seen, the Ever Given. No one else is around. “No one’s coming for us,” I say. “Good,” he says, “I get more time alone with you.” He’s so hot — his engine has been working…

South Campus is known for its historic apartment buildings that were constructed in 1905 and have not been renovated since. Along with charming features such as completely uneven floors, peeling wall paint and rusty metal sinks, these dorms also unsurprisingly come with their own roommates, who are no longer alive…

  1. Best Western, Boston, MA — 4 stars

Best Western did not disappoint! Staff was very accommodating and the privacy was perfect. Didn’t even need a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign — no one washed the blankets for all 3 weeks we were there.

2. DoubleTree Inn, Newark, NJ — 5 stars

Maddy Schmidt

Maddy Schmidt is a comedy writer from tropical New Jersey. She has been blocked on Twitter by Drake Bell. You can block her too! @piece_ofschmidt

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