Heyyy! It’s me, Jolene. You know, with the auburn hair and eyes of emerald green? I just wanted to say that I’m sorry you’re so threatened by me, but I really am not interested in your mediocre boyfriend.
Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate all the compliments in that song of yours. I mean, my smile is like a breath of spring? That’s beautiful. So beautiful, in fact, you might want to examine which one of us you’re actually in love with.
Not only that, I think you need to take a long hard look at this relationship. He talks…
Last week, the world received the news that Queen Elizabeth’s husband of many years, Prince Philip, had died, and she must be having a really difficult time. But when one door closes, hopefully other doors open, and that’s why I’m excited to pitch you this “Untitled Queen Elizabeth Moving On Rom-Com” about what her next chapter could look like. After all, the queen is 94, and that’s only 76 in Queen years. She has so much living left to do, and so much time to find the next man of her dreams!
By Maddy Schmidt, Illustrated by Kyle Patterson
Gather ‘round, kids! You may have heard the version of this story that teaches the dangers of a slippery slope, but this lesser-known version will prepare you for the real world of social competence and existential dread.
If you give a mouse a cookie, he’ll probably ask for a glass of milk.
When he’s finished, he’ll want to look in the mirror, to make sure he doesn’t have a milk moustache.
When he looks in the mirror, he’ll see himself for the first time.
I’m in the middle of the Mediterranean with the sexiest cargo ship I’ve ever seen, the Ever Given. No one else is around. “No one’s coming for us,” I say. “Good,” he says, “I get more time alone with you.” He’s so hot — his engine has been working overtime. He thrusts forward with his 24,000 horsepower engines and starts to enter my canal. I’m super wet.
2. He’s Just Too Big
He tries to enter, but he gets stuck. I’m just too teeny tiny for his massive vessel, which is bigger than the Empire State Building. He whines…
“Ummmm @CTCSquares — why are there shrimp tails in my cereal? (This is not a bit)” - @JensenKarp on Twitter, 1:32pm on 3/22/21
At 1:32pm yesterday, I opened my Twitter feed to a disturbing post. I was upset to find that someone had posted a photo of a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch containing a few cinnamon-coated shrimp tails. I was upset because people in the replies were not singing General Mills praises, commenting on the ingenuity of a cereal brand that continues to shock and delight its customers. No — people were reacting with disgust. …
Got a recent ex? Want to make yourself alternately euphoric and miserable? Then you should stalk his Spotify to see what he’s listening to, because it’s a little known fact that each song he plays at any given moment contains some innermost thought he’s trying to express to you. Here are 5 songs on his playlist and exactly why they mean he wants you back.
This is an obvious one. He’s clearly missing you and longing for the way your relationship was. He’s resonating with the line “ Why she had to go, I don’t know, she wouldn’t say/ I…
South Campus is known for its historic apartment buildings that were constructed in 1905 and have not been renovated since. Along with charming features such as completely uneven floors, peeling wall paint and rusty metal sinks, these dorms also unsurprisingly come with their own roommates, who are no longer alive. Without further ado, here is my definitive ranking of the ghosts currently haunting my South Campus single.
5. Paul Revere (no relation)
By far the most annoying ghost haunting my dorm is Paul Revere, but not the one you’re thinking of. This Paul Revere was alive during the Revolution, but…
BOSTON- Early this week, many women reported being disappointed by a man who is apparently a serial Boston catfisher. Patrick Monaghan, 23 was found on Tinder claiming to be 6ft, when actually he is a leprechaun who just barely hits 3'9".
Reportedly, his Tinder bio stated that he was “only in town for Saint Patrick’s Day” and “looking to have a little fun.” Many women reported feeling disappointed, as his profile was one of the few that did not contain a quote from
“He was dressed in all green in all his photos, which should have been my first clue,”…
Best Western did not disappoint! Staff was very accommodating and the privacy was perfect. Didn’t even need a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign — no one washed the blankets for all 3 weeks we were there.
2. DoubleTree Inn, Newark, NJ — 5 stars
Great hotel! Large room with lots of crawl space, and we especially loved the amenities. My husband and I spent many hours in the private sauna that was nestled in a guy’s pubes. Heaven!
3. Best Value Inn, Kenosha, WI — 4.5 stars
‘Best value’ is right! We essentially stayed…
by Catherine Weingarten and Maddy Schmidt
Everyone says that love languages can be a great way to connect with your partner, since learning how they show and receive love can help you meet each other’s emotional needs. But what if their love language is not “gifts” or “words of affirmation” but instead something wildly upsetting? My boyfriend’s love language is theater speak, and this is my story.
It all started when he went to adult theater camp, which he thought could be a cool way to meet some new friends. When he got back he was devilishly charming, which I…
Maddy Schmidt is a comedy writer from tropical New Jersey. She has been blocked on Twitter by Drake Bell. You can block her too! @piece_ofschmidt